Many of you have no doubt seen Page 2′s “New Rules for College Football Fans to Live By.” But let’s be honest: that’s a lot to read, and somewhere around Rule 26.a.1 our eyes started to glaze over. So here’s a condensed list:

1a. Under extenuating circumstances, however, you may have up to three Division I-A rooting allegiances, so long as the schools meet the following criteria:
[...]
(e) You’re a bandwagon-jumping, low-self-esteem weenie and scurry from Notre Dame to Miami to Ohio State to USC to Boise State depending on the year, the polls and the amount of water flooding into the ship. [I don't understand how this counts as one of the criteria for schools, but anyway.]

9. You are allowed to root freely against the following schools for no specific reasons: Notre Dame; Notre Dame in their puke-green jerseys; Notre Dame when playing on “Triumph of the Will”-shaming propaganda house organ NBC; USC; any school that plays its fight song approximately 4,387 times per game like USC; Michigan; Miami; Ohio State; any school like Ohio State with a pretentious “the” in front of its name, because otherwise how would we know which Ohio State university they were talking about?; any school coached by Steve Spurrier; any school coached by Nick Saban. [I began to understand this rule when we watched last year's Oregon State game in a sports bar in Columbia, Missouri. Although I would add this addendum: you can't root against USC (for example) unless you can name the college town its opponent comes from ...]

25. It is never OK to deny the hotness of the USC song girls.

25a. Not even if you attend UCLA.

26. Please observe the following age guidelines on appropriate thoughts to have while ogling the USC song girls:

• 11-15: What is this strange tingling feeling?
• 16-18: College is going to be awesome.
• 18-24: Damn, I wish she’d wear that skirt to sociology class.
• 25-35: College was awesome.
• 36-50: Damn, I wish she’d wear a burka or something. That could be my baby daughter!
• 51-75: Gee, what a lovely young lady. I hope she meets a nice boy.
• 75-over: What is this strange tingling feeling? Do I have to go to the bathroom again?

41. Observe the following statutes of limitations:

(a) Bragging about national title: 25 years
(b) Bragging about a top-five finish: 15 years
(c) Bragging about a top-five finish if you are Ohio State, USC, Florida , Miami, Tennessee, Michigan, Florida State, Texas, Oklahoma: 0 years
(d) Bragging about a BCS bowl win: 10 years
(e) Bragging about a blowout BCS bowl win over Notre Dame: one year, or until someone else joins the club
(f) Bragging about Heisman winner: 10 years
(g) Bragging about Heisman winners whose last names rhyme with “Baretta”: six months
(h) Bragging about Heisman winners named “O.J.”: null