Ain’t no roundup like a Friday roundup. Let’s get to it.

While Pete Carroll was in the Bay Area attending the service for Bill Walsh (rest in peace), Steve Sarkisian was running the show at practice. Sark says that unlike his predecessor Lane Kiffin, for him to leave USC it would have to be a pretty special coaching opportunity. What, you don’t think the grandfatherly smile of Al Davis or the sophisticated, intellectual fans in silver and black qualify as special? What’s wrong with you, Sark?

Buried in Scott Wolf’s LA Daily News blog today is this item:

As for the 2001 Oregon-USC game, the crowd’s rowdy behavior toward USC players before the game (some would say insulting) left a lasting impression on Carroll for years to come.

Considering Carroll has taken his team to locales like Fayetteville, Arkansas, and Auburn, Alabama, those Duck fans must have been pretty rowdy. What, did they throw patchouli at him?

As fans of snark and sarcasm, we think Jay Mohr is a funny guy. If we actually spent any time away from college football to actually consume popular culture, he might even be one of our favorite comedians. But when he called in to “The Jim Rome Show” yesterday, his effort was more “Paulie” than “Jerry Maguire”:

“I’ve been filming a movie downtown, Jim, at the campus of USC — you know, USC, the home of Los Angeles’s pro football franchise, the Trojans — and let me tell you something: don’t leave the campus. Holy smokes. I got two blocks away from the library, I started looking around for WMDs. It’s amazing down there.”

Very original, that stuff about USC paying their players and having a bad neighborhood. Guess his other great material about the ‘University of Spoiled Children’ and the mascot being named after a condom didn’t make the cut. Oh, and “looking around for WMDs”… sheer brilliance. Timely and topical. Either give us a new crack on USC (really, is there a bigger target in college sports right now?), or stick to your Christopher Walken impression, which, we must admit, is timeless and flawless. Slam Man, you’re better than that. We’re not, but you are.

Sports Illustrated on Campus releases the list you really care about: the mascot rankings. Florida continues its ownership of Ohio State as Albert finishes first, one spot ahead of Brutus Buckeye. Tommy Trojan is fifth, with this curious writeup:

Mr. Ed didn’t have it this good. Quarterback John David Booty is on everybody’s short list for the Heisman, the Trojans enter the season No. 1 in the coaches poll and alum Steven Spielberg is busy at work on the fourth Indiana Jones film (it’s about time). But the Men of Troy take a hit in the rankings for former QB and gossip-column mainstay Matt Leinart’s baby mamma drama.

We think that Spielberg technically went to Cal State Long Beach, but in Troy we’re thrilled to have an icon of his caliber associated with the school. Well, other than that whole A.I. thing.

Trev Alberts, who moved up from ESPN to the big-time that is CSTV, takes on the question of USC’s dominance — and how it might not exist if they played in the SEC — in his latest mailbag:

Remember that USC team, coming off the loss of a Heisman Trophy-winning quarterback named Carson Palmer, had no known quarterback — just some guy named Matt Leinart who had never played before. They walked into Jordan-Hare in the first game of the year, one of the more difficult environments, and soundly defeated the Auburn Tigers.

I think their dominance in the Pac-10 leads some to believe that the Pac-10 is terrible. I don’t think that’s true. Remember, USC lost twice to teams in the conference last year and they throttled Michigan in the Rose Bowl. I think the Pac-10 is better than people think. Clearly the SEC is the best conference. But would it be unfair to say the Pac-10 is second? I don’t think so.

And clearly, Lou Holt ish the greatesht analysht in the hishtory of ESHPN College GameDay, but is it unfair to say that Trev Alberts is second? We have no idea.

LAist blogger Henry David is pumped about the upcoming Bruin football season, proving so by posting this snapshot of the Rose Bowl scoreboard following UCLA’s 13-9 upset of the Trojans. The caption reads, ’13 reasons to love the season.’ Does that mean that a photo of the scoreboard following their 2005 game would read ’66 reasons to love the season?’ or that a photo of the scoreboard following their 2003 game would read ’47 reasons to love the season’ or that a photo of their 2002 game would read ’52 reasons to…’ oh, forget it. We’re not bitter. UCLA earned and deserved their hard-fought win over SC last season. We won’t even stoop to the easy joke and say they went Eric Scott and flat-out stole that victory.

Speaking of coach Scott, he will not be charged following his recent arrest in connection with a residential burglary. We already used up our bad Eric Scott joke for the day, so we’ll just let this one go.

And speaking of shocking losses in Pete Carroll’s career, that USC-Texas Rose Bowl (maybe you’ve heard of it) gets revisited in this Pat Forde column about coaches taking risks. Carroll says that despite the infamous fourth-and-2 call blowing up in the Trojans’ faces, he would do it all over again.

He added, “As for what I wouldn’t do all over again? Pretty much everything we did on defense that night.”

The NCAA has upheld their ban on coaches using text messages to contact potential recruits. So STFU and GBTW.

It could be the end of an era as the Miami Hurricanes may be leaving the Orange Bowl, site of the longest home winning streak in NCAA history. The Bowl really is an utter dump, but let’s just say we have a soft spot for legendary, decrepit old stadiums that are several decades past their prime.

Up the Florida Turnpike from Miami, Terrell Buckley has returned to Florida State. He’ll serve as an assistant and try to bring some of the old-time swagger back to the Seminoles. It’ll be just like old times for Buckley, other than, you know, the occasional 30-0 shutout loss at home.

More news from the “other” USC, as Steve Spurrier says he’s “positive” that South Carolina will revise their admissions process for athletes following his public tirade. Either that, or the Ol’ Ball Coach is “positive” he’ll take a job at a better program and hang 50 on the Gamecocks. Not that Spurrier holds grudges or anything.

Staying with the Seminoles, Chris Rix apparently doesn’t like people making fun of his Champion Training Academy. After Rix politely asked an offending blog to stop making fun of his leadership, the blog refused (shocking, considering that bloggers usually do exactly what they’re told and exist primarily to toe the corporate line), and was then hit with a subpoena.

So let us make this abundantly clear: we are NOT making fun of Chris Rix or his leadership. We would never do such a thing. Ever.

Courtesy of the Notre Dame blog Blue Gray Sky, here is Charlie Weis addressing Derrell Hand being busted for allegedly soliciting a hooker:

“I try not to be overemotional when I get a phone call about anything,” he said. “The first thing I try to do is make sure I have all the facts. The story might be exact or far from the truth. I try not to make a rash or emotional decision. I try to pull myself back and say if Charlie (Jr.) was in this situation, what would I do?”

You’re really gonna have to use your imagination, Charlie, because if there’s one thing we can’t imagine a member of the Weis family doing, it’s allegedly soliciting a hooker. Testifying at a medical malpractice trial, maybe, but not hitting up a lady of the night.

This is technically an NFL story, but since the Arizona Cardinals a) are one of the closest pro franchises to Los Angeles; b) have several Trojans on the roster; and c) have probably been, over the past five years, not nearly as good as the Trojans (see how lazy that joke is, Jay Mohr?), we thought this was newsworthy. New head coach Ken Whisenhunt called off practice and took his team to see a movie instead.

Players had their choice of three movies: The Bourne Ultimatum, Transformers and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. Guard Deuce Lutui saw the Bourne movie, although he joked that his teammates told him it was going to be about food, for some reason.

Good old Deuce. Maybe that’s how The Bourne Ultimatum grossed $70 million in its opening weekend: it had a brilliant marketing campaign. “The Bourne Ultimatum: It’s Going To Be About Food.”

And speaking of opening weekend, a certain intercollegiate sport has its opening weekend in three weeks. But the fun starts even sooner than that.

Twenty days and counting.